here i am

New Kicks    They also came with a pair of orange laces - but methinks some teal colored ones are in order, no?  

Even though I do own a stereo, and there is a CD player in my computer, I'm sitting here listening to Ann Peebles on my walkman - 'cos I just got a new one last night for my trip to Californey.    I can't wait to get the dreck out of here.  I don't know why but the grass is greener.  I'm mentally and physically exhausted.  I just want to lay on the beach and do  n-o-t-h-i-n-g.  Granted, the time will likely be spent arguing with mom, as per usual (why do I always convince myself that "it will be different this time"), but I can have my illusions, right?  Anyway, I have an escape hatch, as I will arbitrarily choose the date upon which I catch that train down to San Diego to see an old college pal.  And - whoo hoo - there have been promises of a Mexico trip!  Ah, at long last, to set foot upon the sacred soil of the land of my ancestors... well, at least the cheesy tourist trap border town soil of my ...

Self Portrait  I look kinda tired in this picture and a bit strange... but I like the light.

It is one in the morning. You are asleep on the couch. My neck is stiff from sitting at the computer... doing nothing. Every few minutes a car whooshes by in the night. There's that hollow feeling of bouyant useless empty space when the air conditioner kicks on... because it's not hot in here, but I'm not cold enough to get up and turn it off. Because that would mean walking across the room, and that would entail some purposefulness, and that would yank me from my zombie stare and make me realize I should take my contacts out and go to bed. Which would mean walking past you in the living room and having to make the decision whether or not to wake you and guide you to bed with me. You're stirring now. The fridge begins to hum. I wonder if I could win at solitaire. M

what is that thing that thing that thing where your torso is wrenched in one direction and your stomach in another and your heart is left suspended disconnected sucking in on itself imploding suffocating suspended in agony in midair what is that? i am the smiling wife i am overdressed the insalata caprese was a big hit even though you look at me like i'm an alien when i pronounce it and what does a jewish vegetarian do when handed a plate of baked beans with bacon and a brat on a bun? you are my friend you will always be my friend but since i decided this house can't hold my soul anymore saying i love you feels like a lie and i'm scratching at the walls to get on with this thing this thing this whatever it is so that i don't have to think for too long about what not waking up in your arms is - or what it means to think how foolish it would be to hold on to something just because it might be the best thing that ever happened to you. and how when life begins...