here i am

no more looking for clues no more dodging the shadows no more looking over my shoulder no more fighting to remember no more escape no more sadness no more hoping no more wondering no more torture no more grief no more fighting to be heard to be honored to be seen no more chances no more injury no more questions no more shame no more feeling broken no more feeling wrong no more invalidation no more 

i wish i'd held my tongue i wish had known how i wish i hadn't yelled when i really needed to cry i wish i knew how to do nothing i wish i had known before now i wish i had learned how to respond instead of react before it was too late i wish you were still beside me i wish i could feel your breath on my cheek i wish i could hold you i wish i could give you one last kiss i wish i didn't feel like i have to pretend that i don't want all these things i wish i had seen you more clearly beyond my pain beyond my weakness beyond my self i wish i'd had the clarity to be open to allow myself to be seen authentically and without fear i wish we weren't both so bogged down by murky waters of the swamp of the unconscious that we could have been able to give to one another all the love we felt open handed fists unclenched i wish i had known how to give love instead of only wanting to take it to fear not receiving it to demand it i ...

i've started typing this sentence three different times, and it doesn't seem to want to be written. i used to be terrified of darkness.  not literal darkness (though sometimes that too), but spiritual darkness.  the unknown and unpleasant sides of life that we often spend our lives avoiding, if we can.  then i got to a point where i realized that i couldn't run from things like that anymore, so i embraced them.  i went into the darkness, so that i could face it head-on and just really be in it.  it was like a sort of immersion therapy, to uproot my aversion. i did that for a while, but then it didn't serve me any longer, so i moved beyond that way of being and seeing the world.  i decided to focus my energy on the positive, to give it my attention.  but i think the process of steeping myself for a time in darkness served me, because i was able, in some measure, to assimilate those disparate aspects of life and existence that i had previously tried ...

it's really weird to me how things happen as and when they should, and stuff that supports my growing awareness comes to me always at the right time. the whole of my  process of recovery has been like that for me.  i think i know what's going on, and then something happens, which causes a rupture, and i realize that i was living unconsciously.  this happens over and over.  my growth happens in a sort of layered or concentric fashion.  it's never-ending. i'm thinking about how to express the realizations that i've been coming to these past couple of weeks, and i'm not sure i can or am ready to.  but it has struck me today, the amazing chain of coincidences that has led me to the exact knowledge i need at this moment, and a growing awareness of the path i need to take.  i'm about to embark on something that has been a long time in the making, but for which i guess i wasn't prepared before now.  i'm sort of freaked out about it, but i'm also l...

yesterday i was angry. it hit me by surprise, actually.  i hadn't been, but then a wave of it just washed over me.  it's not who or what i want to be, and in the final analysis, i know that my anger is somewhat misguided and misdirected.  but i have decided to honor it, and let myself feel it anyway. i was angry because i felt like i had made a commitment that had not been reciprocated.  i was willing to try, to remain committed, despite the difficulties, because i believed in the possibility of change and growth toward more a more healthy, positive relationship.  i feel like he bailed.  i know that he just couldn't see how to make things better, and he didn't think he could make me happy ... but what hurts the most is that there wasn't enough of a commitment to me or to what we were trying to build, to try to work through those challenges. maybe it's my fault, for investing too much in hoping that someone could change to become the person i needed....

the day was productive.  and now it's over, but i'm not in bed sleeping 'cos i had to turn the computer on to work on a few projects and now i'm wide awake cos of the blue screen shining in my face for the past hour.  i need to get some of those amber shades, maybe. i didn't think i'd get anywhere today, and when i started, i felt so overwhelmed.  but i listened to myself and figured out what i needed and made a few adjustments and accommodations and actually ended up getting more done than i planned to or could have imagined. i really thought i'd feel more wrecked in the aftermath of this breakup.  i was thinking that maybe since i had so many practice runs at it, that maybe i'm just good at it by now.  but i don't think that's what it is.  i think i just finally have peace and surrender. it is what it is, and i know it's what it needs to be.  and every moment he is out of my life, he fades from it.  that makes me sad, to say that.  bu...

the sky is grey. i'm sleepy. i have so much work to do that i get overwhelmed about it if i think about it too hard. so i'm just doing the next thing in front of me, and if i keep doing that, i will get done what i need to get done, and hopefully that is enough. but first i think i need to take a nap. i haven't been sleeping well, and though last night i finally got something closer to a decent night's sleep (7.5 hours), all the lost sleep of this past week has caught up with me, and if i do not take the time to nourish myself, i will crash and burn. i know it. i'm getting better at taking care of myself. better than i've ever been. better at treating myself with patience and kindness and compassion. i've felt so crazy and out of control lately, and now i finally am starting to feel centered again. i'm sorrowful, and i am walking through my days in the heavy presence of my loss, but i have reached a point of surrender. i'm not in contro...

i'm eating left-over bread of affliction, and it somehow seems fitting.  i'm sitting on cool cement, watching my girl play in the hesitant sunlight of an early spring afternoon. she is running, unfettered, hair streaming behind her in the breeze, racing her friend to the tire swing.  i'm writing here today, because i want to live better. because she deserves a mom who does. and just like i quit drinking and using drugs when i was 18 and pregnant in college, so that my son could have a better life, today i am making the choice to step off the roller coaster of relationship addiction and into the process of abandonment recovery, so that she will have a better life. the healing byproduct of getting clean for my son's sake was that i began the journey to living a healthier life for my own sake, in the end. i hope that'll be the case this time around, as well.  i want to write this pain, but i don't have the right words for it now. i'm washing in and ou...