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i'm sorry

i wish i'd held my tongue
i wish had known how
i wish i hadn't yelled
when i really needed to cry

i wish i knew how to do nothing
i wish i had known before now

i wish i had learned how to respond
instead of react
before it was too late

i wish you were still beside me
i wish i could feel your breath on my cheek
i wish i could hold you
i wish i could give you one last kiss
i wish i didn't feel like i have to pretend
that i don't want all these things

i wish i had seen you more clearly
beyond my pain
beyond my weakness
beyond my self

i wish i'd had the clarity
to be open
to allow myself to be seen
authentically and without fear

i wish we weren't both so bogged down
by murky waters
of the swamp of the unconscious

that we could have been able to give
to one another
all the love we felt
open handed
fists unclenched

i wish i had known how to give love
instead of only wanting to take it
to fear not receiving it
to demand it

i wish i could erase the hurt
the words
the fear
the disconnect
the misunderstanding

the pain of trying
and failing
and trying
and failing
and trying
and failing

and letting go







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