here i am

i'm impressed all over again by more evidence that often times the only way to learn something is by doing it. i always approach my teaching practice this way, because it's so clear that this is the way very young children learn best - always showing, doing, exploring, experiencing. but i forget this is also the way i learn. i was having trouble with tango. i had various problems, but they could all be tied to my inability to let go and be present - be in my center and from there be ready for anything, but also not anticipating anything, or deluding myself into thinking i knew what was coming next. i was stiff, heavy on my feet, off balance, difficult to lead - in short, a disaster. i was talking to a good friend and sometime tango partner about it, and he reminded me that it's about trust. i hate ceding control; i have a deeply ingrained inability to trust another person to guide my steps. all of my control freak tendencies stared me squarely in the face and i had t...

i haven't written much here about being in love, because after such a tumultuous experience in the world of post-divorce dating, i didn't want to jinx this. but somebody has to say something about the elephant. it's killing me. it's hard to believe being in love once you've been in love once and it's failed. it makes you mistrust your own instincts and perception. what does it mean to have thought you had the right thing, and have it turn out not to have been? it haunts every next right thing you may ever have and warns you away from trusting it. or at least from talking about it - declaring it to be true. so this is my disclaimer ... m