here i am

i do this thing where i challenge myself to jettison things. to divest myself of accumulation. i am riding a constant pendulum swing of hanging on and letting go and it manifests itself in my relationship with my material surroundings. i have this dream of possessing so, so little, and being able to be that way. free of all that stuff that clouds and constricts and weighs down and blocks transmission and being. so every once in a while i decide on a bunch of stuff i don't need and i pile it up in a bag or a box to get rid of. it's like pulling a wiggly tooth or jumping off a high dive - there is a wavering point of fear-filled hesitation, then ... now or never ... 123 go! and there's no going back, there's no looking back. no thinking. no hesitations. no rumination. no worry. no what-if. it's gone, it's done, it's over. there's no chance to regret, there is only moving forward with what is. and even if there was a chance you mightn't have b...

i miss my friends. having sort of made the biggest part of my growing up and into the person i am during college, i made a lot of the most fast friends of my life in a time and place of flux for all of us. we have gotten more and more spread out physically, and sometimes otherwise, as the years have worn on. scattered more and more afar. seeing one another less. talking less and less. one more goes, and another. academics tend to find jobs whenever and wherever they can. creative types have a wanderlust. people who want to make change go where the change is needed. and then i got married moved and sort of stopped making new friendships. and then i got un-married and ... what? the couple friends, few we had ... i dunno. i have made some good online friends as well. met some incredible people i would otherwise never have connected with. some i have met in real life, some i might someday, some i likely never will. but the connections are nevertheless the same. they are just ...

thanks to the influence of a kind, generous and inspiring friend, i am currently attempting to learn juggling. at the moment, my efforts consist of tossing one lonely ball back and forth, back and forth. the process makes me feel very much like the karate kid. wax on! m

sometimes life is just surfing along, thinking you're all snugly (smugly?) ensconced in something that makes perfect sense. you just hum along and hum along and you're happy to be happy and you never peek out the shades to see that something richer and more complex but maybe a little less comfortable might be shuffling around out there ... because that would mean that the simplicity of the security you think you value might not be what you really want. or need. or feel. m

anhelo el sosiego que me trae tu presencia ahora mas que nunca necesito sentirme arrimada a ese lugar tan especial entre tu hombro y tu pecho donde cabe perfectamente mi cabeza

the idea of cooperation versus competition is one that i've been encountering and pondering quite a lot lately. this is a note to myself to remind me to write down my thoughts about it. m

this has been one of those week from hell kinda weeks. one of those every day morning till night start to finish everything goes wrong and it all just sort of piles up on you like one heavy wet blanket after another until you collapse under the pressure kinda weeks. it was awfully rainy all week and it felt like it. usually i love the rain and find some catharsis in it. but this week it just kept on dragging me down and down. until the storm broke, and i broke. and then it was a little better. so i guess it worked, in the end. yeah. so, for lack of better focus i will share the litany of crappy crap that happened to me this week: the cleaners ruined two of my shirts. the morning that i disovered the ruination of the shirts, i was late for work arguing with the laundromat guy on the phone. when i got to work and finished the meeting i was late for, there was some chaos in my workspace that resulted from someone not completing their assigned tasks. as i juggled to deal with thi...

ahora que tienes todo mi amor envuelto seguramente en tus brazos cuando decides te vas huyendo con el paquete mas precioso mas delicado y me quedo plantada alli con el mundo girando alrededor tiesa perdida sola lagrimas en el precipicio de ojos grandes de sorpresa de consternación he aprendido he estado aprendiendo proteger despues aprender estar menos protegida en esta vida me parece que todo se vuelve a repetir siempre

about twice a year, almost like clockwork, something like this happens and i swear i'm never speaking to you again. usually i'm hurt and more than a little bit angry and indignant. this time i'm mostly just sad, and i feel sorry for you. i wish you had the capacity to communicate what you are feeling about me to me and with me. i used to care what you thought about me, but now i'm just tired of having you judge me all the time. especially now that i see just how unfounded your judgements are. i have always supported you, even when i was skeptical of your choices. i love you and have done my best to hold back my judgement. i feel sorry for you that you think you are so superior to everyone else that you feel justified in hating them and disdaining them for their choices ... and justified in treating them like total garbage as a result. i would never treat you the way you have treated me, or the ways you have treated other people in our family and people that you love. y...