here i am

last night, i found out that i'm pregnant. as it was unexpected (but not unwelcome), there is a wonderfully complex swirling of emotions and thoughts inhabiting me today. before i found out, when i was still just wondering, worrying ... there was an anxiety inside of me ... and now that i know, it's still sort of there, but less so. it's turned into a sort of wonderment. there's nothing to fear; everything just has to work out now. i'd been inching ever closer to feeling that i wanted children - from the 'no way, not me' of once upon a time, to the 'well maybe someday' of a few years ago, to the 'yes, i'm pretty sure i do, but not now' ... to 'yes, i do, soon' to ... well, today. sometimes life chooses you. things are definitely not perfect. i'd like to be richer. i'd like to have insurance. i'd like to own a home, or at least a shot in hell at doing so. i'd like not to have just started a new job and hav...

the people across the street are moving out today, and so am i. i've spent the past month whittling down my accumulated possessions to the point where i can zip across the country with everything i need in my car. they have their suv crammed full and a semi parked in front of my house. i don't think i'll ever be a grown up. i'm going to be 32 in a couple months and i still don't have an urge to own a dining room table (what symbolized to my once younger self one's having arrived at 'grown-up-ness') or a house (what i now realize i should want if i really want to live like an adult). when i was in college, i vowed never to own or accumulate or become attached to more stuff than i could move in my car. then i got married and filled a house full of stuff. then i got divorced and got rid of half of it. now, after a garage sale and some craigslisting and good-willing and painful sorting-tossing, i'm back to a carload. and it still feels right to ...

i was watching some of the director's commentary on the dvd of laberinto del fauno the other night (after watching the movie for the 3rd time), and guillermo del toro was talking about the idea that children are ambassadors from another culture (and have perfect personalities until we screw them up, essentially) and we can learn so much from them. how different our world would be if everyone thought and acted so. i know this, but it's easy to forget when we get dragged down by the day-to-day of things. i'd like to become more mindful of this in my teaching practice. it's easy to forget how marvelous they really are and turn things into a power struggle as we so often do with things in life when we feel we must control them rather than cede to their being-ness. one of my favorite quotes is by jung - 'where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. the one is the shadow of the other.' he was talking about oth...

i'm lost. totally, completely lost. lost. m

there was a time in my life when it would have been impossible (laughable, really) to imagine myself smiling and listening to ronnie milsap as i clean the kitchen and cook a pot of beans. yet here i am! m

so i'm moving. far away. to start a new life. to another country. to another continent. in a few months i'm leaving all of this and all our past behind. and since i told you this, and maybe even before, you've been keeping a studied distance between us, and understandably so. i don't expect anything different. i know there are things we still haven't talked about. things you feel, i feel, that we just don't get to. i gave you that distance and accepted the fact that our friendship has changed. it has no other choice. it feels strange, lost, hurts - all that stuff that i have no right to but nevertheless just is ... to be so far away from someone to whom i've been so close for most of my life. but you are still struggling with what if and where did i fail and how did it all go so wrong and what's he got that i couldn't give you ... and on and on ... and so it makes sense for you to not be able to be chummy and go out for pie and a chat li...