here i am

Well my cold is almost gone. I just keep having to have a constant supply of tissues at hand and I'm still struck with embarrasing bouts of coughing to beat the band, but overall I'm on the mend. I figure it must be summer comin' cos: 1. Someone kissed me the other night. 2. I'm giddily sleep deprived. 3. My hair is getting super boing boing curly. 4. My skin is that nice uncomfortably but comfortingly warm from gettin' tan. 5. I'm listening to a lot of Frankie Ruiz and am obsessed with figuring out how to dance salsa on 2 again. 6. My neverending search for the perfect pair of black strappy sandals is renewed. 7. There's nothing in my fridge and I'm living on smoothies and Earl Grey and I'm fine with that. 8. Someone bought me another Begonia to kill! Hoooooooooooooooooo RAY!!!!! M

Man, I never seem not to have a cold or some such something. My head feels like a balloon that's been rubbed on one too many heads and stuck to the wall and then sort of lost some of its air and the skin is all sort of wrinkly and limp from being slightly deflated. I've been on autopilot just zooming through the past two weeks of school and all the crazy personality crap and major personnel upheavals and people being bitchy and absent and otherwise disengaged from one another and their jobs and the purpose at hand. I am too fuzzed out to care that I'm indifferent to the fact that there are a million and one things I could do better and am not but I just want to get done and rest and start fresh next year - with better plans, and the energy and focus and centeredness to carry them out - and hopefully less people futzing around with my space, cluttering my way. That's the hope. Hope springs eternal when the sun is shining and the wind keeps blowing the shades against the ...

sitting at a table with old loves there's the one who loved me so much it was dangerous the one who just didn't love me enough and the one whom I couldn't love enough - though I tried and every one in between and I'm like william h. macy's character in Magnolia ... I have so much love to give, but I just don't know where to put it where do I put the big roiling sea of my heart where do I put this gigantic wonder of the world and tears and the things I'd talk with you about 'till dawn the ache of love the ache of beauty the ache of alone I just sit and stare out the window at the rain thinking, "But ..."

I've arrived at long last in order to provide you with some alternate stimulation (the beets were just sitting there, bleeding, for weeks, I know). I can't promise it will be any more interesting than stationary bleeding beets, though. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that it won't be. But thanks for stopping by anyway! I'm sitting in my robe, eating granola and drinking tea - per my usual routine. I'm contemplating a run but I'm awfully tired and it never goes well when I approach it from that state of being, so maybe not. I'm up to half and half (running/walking), so that feels good. My knee still bugs me now and again, so I'm not sure what the deal is there. That doesn't feel good, incidentally. The birds are twittering and the sun is dappling and baby things are here and people are falling in love and all the proper spring things are happening. I feel like myself again. Winter really kills me. I have to move to California. That's it ...