here i am

my crazy brother left on an impromptu road trip today, to reconnect with his past, and with the elements of his universe that make sense to him ... good, real friends. he forgot to take a map. the best trips go that way. he missed a turn and phoned me for directions. we pored over my atlas together on the phone, and made a plan. a short while later my phone rang again and his voice came over the line all full up with awe and shaken by sublimity ... he was zooming along the barren prairie and the sunset blazed one side of the sky with the most intense red fire he'd ever seen, while the other was filled with a gigantic crystal clear one end to the other double rainbow. it seems he'd gone the wrong way for all the right reasons. m

when i think of what i tend to be attracted to, what the common denominator is ... it is, in part at least, this thing that i can't quite describe well. it's something maybe we can come to call, 'capable'. i'm attracted to people, regardless of other aspects of their personalities, appearances, etc., who are efficient and purposeful in their actions. steady. people who set about getting things done with a sense of confident determination. they could be baking cookies, but if they did it in this way, i would find them to be more masculine than someone changing a tire (well, unless they were also changing the tire in this way too!). usually they are adept with their hands and move quickly, but with lean agility. it's more than a physical presence, though that exists there as well. but it's a sort of mental strength. when someone is sensitive and attuned to their surroundings, yet not overwhelmed or paralyzed by that sensitivity. i was just pondering this. m

the azalea is on its last legs. i couldn't let you down. i'll be back soon ... i've been cheating on you. i'll get it all figured out. i'm inspired. m

Sometimes you have to allow people a little bit of grace. Sometimes you have to ask them to do the same for you. I struggle constantly with my perfectionism. It will become the death of me and preclude me from having any reasonable resemblance of meaningful relationships if I don't find a way to lick it somehow. Some things are better left unsaid, or un-challenged, or un-defined, or unresolved. Giving up is for weenies. Love is mutually inspired generosity of spirit. And it's hard to come by. M