here i am

it was a year in march, and we still haven't scattered my dad's ashes this man i love being terrified of real love the wonder that is l scrumblecake self sabotage coffee starting anew and impostor syndrome i haven't been to temple in a really long time trust hard chance the rapper anxiety not being a grown-up what the fuck am i doing? friendships near and far.  but mostly far. where do people go when they just drop off the face of the earth?  are they with the missing socks? arraignment being present having not been carnivory laying it all down new orleans adventure vs stagnation false dichotomies just kidding i might not talk about all this stuff but these are the things that are on my mind, some of which i hope to come back to

i'm not in the habit yet, of writing, again.  i don't know what reminded me that i had restarted this little project, but here i am. i had a handful of thoughts or ideas i was planning to share, but they seem to have vanished.  no matter.  let's see what shows up.  what can i say about life today? i am tired but happy my girl is now nine and smart and sassy and creative and wondrous and wonderful and way too good for me i keep trying to quit caffeine and failing i love an amazing man who loves me and who i also feel sometimes i don't deserve but then again, i do i am drinking rooibos tea and once again sitting cross-legged on an over-sized chair in my living room, on a slightly cool and blustery day, listening to birds chitter and cars drive by sometimes my anger is bigger than me sometimes i feel disconnected from g-d and from those i purport to love sometimes i feel disconnected from myself i disabled my facebook account again i need to meditate but h...

it seems as though i tend to take up writing again, when i do, in spring.  i don't know that i have any particular reading of this observation, it's just something i noticed.  maybe something about renewal and starting fresh, starting over? i am sitting in my living room and the windows are open and it's a bit chilly but the fresh air feels good.  i have a blanket on my legs and i am sitting cross-legged on a chair.  it's funny to think about writing this blog from this place, this here-now, when i have written it in other places before.  when i think about this blog, it's as though i give it a particular time-space all its own, but i also associate it strongly with the apartment where i lived when it all began.  which feels (and i guess sort of is) a lifetime ago.  i feel like a completely different person, this almost-ten-years-in-the-future me.  back to that catch-up conundrum.  how to explain how different i am now, and all that's happe...

hi there. this feels crazy.  like taking an old, tattered, long-neglected volume off the shelf and blowing the dust off.  it's been so weirdly long.  how are you?  is there anybody out there (in here?) any more?  how long has it been since i have put fingers to this keyboard to spill out the stuff of my life into this blank space?  my brain feels creaky. wobbly knees approaching the high dive.  can i do it?  what's down there if i jump?  how am i gonna land?  how do i do this? who am i? and where do i start?  is it like a phone conversation with an old friend where you spend hours trying to catch each other up?  or do i just start from here, now, and go forward?  i feel like there is some inevitability that the catch-up stuff will make its way out if i start to try to tell you about the here-now.  besides, how to make a conscious effort to put into words all that has happened in the past however-many-years?  ...