here i am

i supposed it was time to update ... to put at least something here, since it had been so very very long. but what? i'm still trying to assimilate my experiences. and it's hard to find the question mark on a spanish keyboard. so, i'm here in barcelona, and i have a cold. go figure. i'd have to travel all the way accross the atlantic to get a cold. i think it's because of the humidity. if its not super sunny, its a bit chilly, and it has cost me a bit to get used to the climate. but other than that its been a nice time. ive not preoccupied myself too much with being super touristy. figure there will be time enough for that sort of exlporing later. however, just being here is in effect a touristy experience. just absorbing all of the differences. the new sights and sounds and smells and being-ness of another place ... and doing things like try to figure out how to work funny windowshades, and double flush buttons! i like hanging the laundry out on the balc...

i found this - hope it helps you out. you know i'm sending in a suggestion for their next test subject! m

i sat in your bathroom and cried today. i fed your cats. used to be our cats. now yours. i fed them. and they were happy to see me. they remember me. i remember them. we said hello. and i looked around at what used to be our home. and my heart just sank. because we wanted so much. we were so young and hopeful and clear when we started out. at least we wanted to believe we could be. i wanted to build a life with you. i tried. we tried. we tried really hard. we tried until it got hard, and then we tried some more. and then it got harder and it got harder. i wanted to raise up the beauty in your heart and hold it up for the sun to shine on. i wanted to put mine in your strong hands and let it rest there, in between beats. i still want to hold your head on my shoulder and let you be weary. when i think of you, i want to take your weariness away. because i care for you. because that is what we do. but i needed more. i needed strength. i needed rest. i needed more. ...

so lately there has been this experiment going on here at my house of just leaving things hanging about. about a week ago i was walking out the door, and among the stack of papers i was shuffling through was a print-out of something i didn't need. so i had this weird impulse to just crumple it up and toss it on the landing, and i guess i just figured i'd pick it up when i got home. but for some reason i didn't. i just smiled at it, at myself and my silliness, and left it lying there. and then it became a little game between me and the white crumpled piece of paper on the landing. how many times could i walk by it? how long would it stay? would i keep being amused by it, or would i begin to become annoyed? would this sense of annoyance, if it developed, become motivation to dispose properly of the paper? now there is also an interesting accumulation of abandoned printed matter on and around the chair on my front porch. first came the telephone books. the ones i don't lik...