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goodbye

so i'm moving. far away. to start a new life. to another country. to another continent. in a few months i'm leaving all of this and all our past behind. and since i told you this, and maybe even before, you've been keeping a studied distance between us, and understandably so. i don't expect anything different. i know there are things we still haven't talked about. things you feel, i feel, that we just don't get to. i gave you that distance and accepted the fact that our friendship has changed. it has no other choice. it feels strange, lost, hurts - all that stuff that i have no right to but nevertheless just is ... to be so far away from someone to whom i've been so close for most of my life.

but you are still struggling with what if and where did i fail and how did it all go so wrong and what's he got that i couldn't give you ... and on and on ... and so it makes sense for you to not be able to be chummy and go out for pie and a chat like we used to do.

even though we were never the conventional couple and our breakup wasn't the conventional breakup, some things just have a template, and you can't escape it.

it makes sense. it does.

what doesn't make sense is the fact that i spent twenty minutes crying upon hearing that you're moving several states away a month from now.

i guess it just forces me to come to terms with the fact that i may never see you again ... a lot sooner than i was prepared for. suddenly it is all stark and cold and real. i should be happy for you (were you happy for me?) - you're finally getting promoted, you're getting out of here ... all these things you've wanted for so long. you're moving on. of course, you have to. so what becomes of us now? what happens if you're depressed and no one is there for you? what happens if the cats get sick or your life falls apart? what happens if i have no one to hug me who understands me the way you do?

i guess life happens. is all.

m

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