Skip to main content

sweet nothing

the day was productive.  and now it's over, but i'm not in bed sleeping 'cos i had to turn the computer on to work on a few projects and now i'm wide awake cos of the blue screen shining in my face for the past hour.  i need to get some of those amber shades, maybe.

i didn't think i'd get anywhere today, and when i started, i felt so overwhelmed.  but i listened to myself and figured out what i needed and made a few adjustments and accommodations and actually ended up getting more done than i planned to or could have imagined.

i really thought i'd feel more wrecked in the aftermath of this breakup.  i was thinking that maybe since i had so many practice runs at it, that maybe i'm just good at it by now.  but i don't think that's what it is.  i think i just finally have peace and surrender.

it is what it is, and i know it's what it needs to be.  and every moment he is out of my life, he fades from it.  that makes me sad, to say that.  but it's also true.

i will miss him.  i will miss all of the wonderful things we had.  but it's over now.  and i have to just feel the sorrow of those missing pieces, and reflect on what wasn't working and why, and carry on.

i know i sound blithe, and really i'm not.  i'm just accepting.

m


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

May your children's children have painful bunions!

So I was sitting with my tired feet being gurgled in the bubbling jets of a cheap vietnamese manicure shop pedicure chair when I look over to see some preppie chick giving the pedicure girl a hard time. She was apparently unhappy with the level of exfoliation her stupid tootsies had recieved. Fine. Well, first of all, you are paying for what is the equivalent of a happy meal in the scheme of the grand pedicure menu, bitch, so what do you want? But beyond that ... Her tone was so disdainful and contemptuous, and the pedicure gal handled it so graciously ... Just looking at her sitting there at the feet of this ho-bag, massaging her callouses with the pumice stone one more time, trying to get it right, to make the girl happy, I was SHAKING in anger by the time the whole scene played out and the check was practically THROWN at the poor woman. SHAKING. I mean, okay - you're unhappy with the services you received. You complain. Acceptable. Fine. But for fuck's sake you can speak to ...
8 comments
Read more

here i go again

it seems as though i tend to take up writing again, when i do, in spring.  i don't know that i have any particular reading of this observation, it's just something i noticed.  maybe something about renewal and starting fresh, starting over? i am sitting in my living room and the windows are open and it's a bit chilly but the fresh air feels good.  i have a blanket on my legs and i am sitting cross-legged on a chair.  it's funny to think about writing this blog from this place, this here-now, when i have written it in other places before.  when i think about this blog, it's as though i give it a particular time-space all its own, but i also associate it strongly with the apartment where i lived when it all began.  which feels (and i guess sort of is) a lifetime ago.  i feel like a completely different person, this almost-ten-years-in-the-future me.  back to that catch-up conundrum.  how to explain how different i am now, and all that's happe...
4 comments
Read more

You Tremble at the Edge of Gone

The first time I saw D was my first day back at school the first semester of my sophomore year in college. When I opened the door (after my last two roommates, dreading who or what I might find when I entered), I saw her squinting at me from against the radiator at the far wall of the tiny rectangle that was our dorm room, smoking a Marlboro Light 100. I'll never forget the brand she smoked. They fit her. They were slender and inconspicuous, the box long and cream and white and somehow common but sophisticated. I don't know what it was, and I'm trying to remember it now - it frustrates me that I can't - that told me in an instant that we were kindred spirits. She was beautiful, slender, native american. She had almond eyes and high cheekbones and long brown hair ... we shared a sort of eclectically funky style. She was fond of loosely woven brown sweaters and a sort of rust colored lipstick that brought out her eyes, hair, skin ... she wore too much makeup to cover old ...
6 comments
Read more