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akeru

i'm eating left-over bread of affliction, and it somehow seems fitting.

 i'm sitting on cool cement, watching my girl play in the hesitant sunlight of an early spring afternoon. she is running, unfettered, hair streaming behind her in the breeze, racing her friend to the tire swing.

 i'm writing here today, because i want to live better. because she deserves a mom who does. and just like i quit drinking and using drugs when i was 18 and pregnant in college, so that my son could have a better life, today i am making the choice to step off the roller coaster of relationship addiction and into the process of abandonment recovery, so that she will have a better life. the healing byproduct of getting clean for my son's sake was that i began the journey to living a healthier life for my own sake, in the end. i hope that'll be the case this time around, as well.

 i want to write this pain, but i don't have the right words for it now. i'm washing in and out of hurt, and trying to find a balance between not letting myself get so overwhelmed by feelings of loss - numbing those feelings so that i can put one foot in front of the other so that i don't flunk out of graduate school - and trying to make sure that i let myself be in the feeling. i don't want to get stuck, and miss out on the healing opportunity that this process presents to me.

 i want to be present. so i breathe. and i feel the warm sun on my legs. and i listen to the birds and the traffic barrel down the highway, and i watch my girl ... her face turned to the sun, swinging, swinging ... letting herself be carried, a pendulum of joy.

m

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