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Drivel

Yesterday was crap. It's been a crap week, generally. I could have smoked. I wanted to smoke. I didn't smoke. I wanted to cash my paycheck and book a flight to Morocco or San Diego or Spain or New York, too. I didn't do that either.

The weather is making its turn toward the stifling, gritty heat of late summer. It's not quite here yet, but I can sense its approach. Today the sun is shining through the window and it doesn't glint and it doesn't sparkle - it doesn't buoy my spirit. It illuminates the dust on the TV screen and makes me want to scream. I feel like someone is standing on my chest, and if they let up, this primal rage will rip forth and I will never stop screaming or crying or running.

I am losing myself. I've somehow, somewhere, misplaced my sense of independence. I've utterly lost sight of my destiny - and it's killing me, really, really slowly. You don't notice it at first... You make shopping lists and clean out the cat box and take out a loan on a car... You go out on the town... Then you just go to a movie, then you rent movies, then you watch movies you already own... Eventually you just stay home and watch TV. Sometimes you do this alone. More often than not you do this alone. You begin to prefer this aloneness.

Everything is an insidious, imperceptible decline into the mundane and the mind-numbingly mediocre. Your smile once made me want to dance. It doesn't any more. And it's not your fault.

M

Comments

z said…
and then you go, "how did i end up here?" and "what is the sense in breathing?" your excellent post aside, i want to say, hang in there, mayim.
2:38 pm
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