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Blue

I'm wrecked. Drained utterly and in every conceivable way from standing across from one another screaming angst into the void. Another punched in the gut ending to a day. Another sitting here alone contemplating nothing 'cos contemplating this is too damned much moment.

But my lease starts next week. So I finally put some books in boxes and now I am just too numb to do anything but stare blankly at the dusty shelf and wonder how I'm going to move it from one place to another and why why why. And I'm frozen. How in the hell am I going to finish this. It has taken me an entire month to pack two boxes of books. What the hell do I do with the wedding gifts? The albums? The silver? How do you begin to figure out how to take apart a home, a life, an existence that you've worked so hard - for so long -to build? How do you even do that? When something ends badly, where the hell do you stuff all the good memories? How what why fuck.

And I am so damned alone. The thought of all that this entails is finally hitting me. I hyperventilate at the thought of packing-moving-hooking-this-computer-up-again... of "getting the gas turned on" ... I am suspended in terror when I comtemplate having to buy a new sauté pan... And on the other hand: is this not, at least in part, the POINT?

M

Comments

Sharanjit said…
Reminds me of standing in a superstore, blankly staring at washing machines all standing to attention in neat rows, with no idea which one to buy, and unable to make sense of the words of the sales consultant. That was the moment I realised it was truly over, and she had gone.

Just keep going. One thing at a time, one day at a time. You know how this goes.
11:05 pm
Anonymous said…
A point, threshold, verge, of an intention, goal, purpose that will lead, head, turn toward a new place, stage, period. Hang in there! Mark
4:04 am
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