it seems as though i tend to take up writing again, when i do, in spring. i don't know that i have any particular reading of this observation, it's just something i noticed. maybe something about renewal and starting fresh, starting over?
i am sitting in my living room and the windows are open and it's a bit chilly but the fresh air feels good. i have a blanket on my legs and i am sitting cross-legged on a chair. it's funny to think about writing this blog from this place, this here-now, when i have written it in other places before. when i think about this blog, it's as though i give it a particular time-space all its own, but i also associate it strongly with the apartment where i lived when it all began. which feels (and i guess sort of is) a lifetime ago. i feel like a completely different person, this almost-ten-years-in-the-future me. back to that catch-up conundrum. how to explain how different i am now, and all that's happened to make me so?
yesterday felt like a day of tide-shifts. i have finally marked the departure from yet another marriage. the dissolution of my first marriage was the impetus (the point of departure) for this blog at it's inception. this one was different. just as heavy in some ways, but less heart wrenching. and we've been separated forever, so we're just putting the last touches of finality on the endeavor.
i had left in my heart long ago, and in some ways never arrived. that i finally was able to mark the departure in ink coincided with some things that he has done which may mark his departure from our lives, from hers, in ways that can't be undone. coincidence, entirely, but altogether a relief. as much as i have tried to disengage, he's been a spectre over my existence all this time. i finally can feel myself begin to peek out from behind the shadow of that mess.
i didn't realize, before sitting down to write this, just how much this is true. i was thinking this morning about this blog - why i write it, what i hope to do or say with it (if anything at all). i was trying to explain it to someone who asked (when i mentioned that i had written). i called it an experiment. a place to scratch things out. i have always conceived of this as an exercise in 'seeing what chooses to show up.'
i told my best friend that i was writing too. we've penned blogs together before. he asked for the address of this one (asked which one it was) - i said it was the original, and reminded him that i write best here when its semi-anonymous. i'm not sure why. there's something about the freedom to write without the self-consciousness that i might feel if i knew someone were judging me, combined with the fact that i am forced to write at least somewhat self-consciously, and in a different way, while knowing that someone (just not someone i know personally) could judge me.
i am not arrogant enough to believe that i have something novel or of any great import to say. for some reason that still doesn't matter. this is for me. to see what shows up. because my mind works differently and expands when i engage in this exercise. because i am conscious of myself in a different and altogether fascinating way when i do. because it's fun to see what shows up.
m
i am sitting in my living room and the windows are open and it's a bit chilly but the fresh air feels good. i have a blanket on my legs and i am sitting cross-legged on a chair. it's funny to think about writing this blog from this place, this here-now, when i have written it in other places before. when i think about this blog, it's as though i give it a particular time-space all its own, but i also associate it strongly with the apartment where i lived when it all began. which feels (and i guess sort of is) a lifetime ago. i feel like a completely different person, this almost-ten-years-in-the-future me. back to that catch-up conundrum. how to explain how different i am now, and all that's happened to make me so?
yesterday felt like a day of tide-shifts. i have finally marked the departure from yet another marriage. the dissolution of my first marriage was the impetus (the point of departure) for this blog at it's inception. this one was different. just as heavy in some ways, but less heart wrenching. and we've been separated forever, so we're just putting the last touches of finality on the endeavor.
i had left in my heart long ago, and in some ways never arrived. that i finally was able to mark the departure in ink coincided with some things that he has done which may mark his departure from our lives, from hers, in ways that can't be undone. coincidence, entirely, but altogether a relief. as much as i have tried to disengage, he's been a spectre over my existence all this time. i finally can feel myself begin to peek out from behind the shadow of that mess.
i didn't realize, before sitting down to write this, just how much this is true. i was thinking this morning about this blog - why i write it, what i hope to do or say with it (if anything at all). i was trying to explain it to someone who asked (when i mentioned that i had written). i called it an experiment. a place to scratch things out. i have always conceived of this as an exercise in 'seeing what chooses to show up.'
i told my best friend that i was writing too. we've penned blogs together before. he asked for the address of this one (asked which one it was) - i said it was the original, and reminded him that i write best here when its semi-anonymous. i'm not sure why. there's something about the freedom to write without the self-consciousness that i might feel if i knew someone were judging me, combined with the fact that i am forced to write at least somewhat self-consciously, and in a different way, while knowing that someone (just not someone i know personally) could judge me.
i am not arrogant enough to believe that i have something novel or of any great import to say. for some reason that still doesn't matter. this is for me. to see what shows up. because my mind works differently and expands when i engage in this exercise. because i am conscious of myself in a different and altogether fascinating way when i do. because it's fun to see what shows up.
m
Comments
I'm on here intermittently these days, but I'd love to catch up some time.
Hope you're well.
xo