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aurora

i've started typing this sentence three different times, and it doesn't seem to want to be written.

i used to be terrified of darkness.  not literal darkness (though sometimes that too), but spiritual darkness.  the unknown and unpleasant sides of life that we often spend our lives avoiding, if we can.  then i got to a point where i realized that i couldn't run from things like that anymore, so i embraced them.  i went into the darkness, so that i could face it head-on and just really be in it.  it was like a sort of immersion therapy, to uproot my aversion.

i did that for a while, but then it didn't serve me any longer, so i moved beyond that way of being and seeing the world.  i decided to focus my energy on the positive, to give it my attention.  but i think the process of steeping myself for a time in darkness served me, because i was able, in some measure, to assimilate those disparate aspects of life and existence that i had previously tried desperately to compartmentalize.

what i'm realizing now, is that those elements are really an illusion.  they are not separate.  there is nothing to assimilate.  life just is.  i'm slowly (really slowly) starting to learn how to be with grey.  to acknowledge it.  the suffering within the joy.  the brokenness within the whole.  all of it all the time an expression of authentic existence.

this stuff takes time.  sometimes i still want to run away (or even run toward).  but i'm learning to stand still.

m

Comments

Murph said…
Very Zen, how have you been?
10:22 pm
mayim said…
hey murph! i have been GREAT. and well, been through a ton of shit since you asked this question! how have YOU been? xo m
10:30 am
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